The Time For Final Judgement Has Come

Well: I saw it. The “Sex and The City” Movie has come out, and I have seen it.

My thoughts?
Hmmm.

The more I think about what I saw in this movie, the madder I am about it.

WARNING: THE REST OF THIS ENTRY IS CHOCK FULL O SPOILERS. DO NOT proceed if you have yet to waste the $22 it will cost you for a ticket to the movie, a diet coke for the movie, and a small bottle of vodka to pour into that diet coke in order for you to enjoy the movie in the same way I did.

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I have a lot of thoughts regarding where this movie went wrong and why it pissed me the fuck off. Fortunately, the “Fug” Girls have articulated many of them in what is most likely a more clever version of what I would have said. So, I quote:

“JESSICA: I know. I enjoyed seeing Carrie’s tutu from the show’s opening credits, but did they really need to spend twenty minutes on her cleaning out her closet? The movie is like two and half hours long! I looked at my watch when we actually got to some dramatic conflict and we were something like 50 minutes in.”

This bit of commentary gets at two things I hated about this movie: 1) the fact that between leaked online videos, official previews, and the onslaught of SJP interviews I read before the movie came out, I had already seen what amounted to the first half of the movie. OK: Carrie gets a fancy apartment and a big ole closet while Charlotte gets pregnant, Steve (who, I must add, has NOT aged well) cheats on Miranda and, SURPRISE, Big jilts Carrie. ALREADY KNEW THAT. Knew that since January! 2) The obnoxious scene where Carrie’s friends help her clean out her closet, in which, the most annoying part wasn’t Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way,” or Carrie’s gleeful prancing around in a Wonder Woman costume, but that we were supposed to believe that three 40-50 year old women, two of whom have YOUNG CHILDREN and the other who LIVES ACROSS THE COUNTRY, have THREE FUCKING FREE DAYS IN A ROW to sit around, drink champaign, and help their friend clean out her closet! Ya. Right. The expensive clothes and shit I will buy, but the time issue, no no.

PHEW, ok, moving on…regarding the BIG issue and the aformentioned jilting:

“HEATHER: What bugs me is that they went to all that trouble to end the series on a sweet note with them, then exhumed that grave and peed all over it. They made Big jilt her! How can we be happy to see them reunite after that? That’s DOUCHEY. Period. Grow up and get your act together, old man. It makes me respect her less that she forgave him for something that humiliating, and I don’t want to have conflicted and deep feelings during a Sex and the City movie.”

The God-damn jilting was so unnecessary. First of all, he didn’t even REALLY jilt her. He just got cold feet and he showed up before Carrie even left. If Carrie hadn’t gone bizerk, they coulda had that wedding.

I know that this bit was supposed to be the “twist” in the plot that moves the movie into its blue period, but it would have been a whole lot twistier if Carrie could have grown up and not over reacted for once! I think that these writers, with all the praise they’ve gotten over the years for their ground-breaking feminist material, should have tried to come up with at-least a mildly unique story line for the most important relationship of the film. Of course there had to be Big/Carrie drama, but why couldn’t it have just come from their life together? The best moments of the show were the moments that were true to life regarding relationships, etc. The movie created drama instead of letting it come from the lives of it’s characters. I mean, altar jilting? C’mon. You’re trying too hard here.

Plus, if you are a mildly successful yet poor due to your spending habits author, and he’s a beautiful successful man who LOVES you and built you your big ass dream closet in the multi million dollar 5th Avenue penthouse he BOUGHT for you both to live in, YOU TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD! I mean, Jesus Christ, roll with the punches, Narcissa!

Alright, lastly:

“HEATHER: Absolutely. And while I find it hilarious — given all the rumors of discord — that Kim Cattrall’s character being in L.A. led to her having about six entrances in which everyone had to squeal and hug her and be thrilled to see her, I did think the movie was at its best when it focused on the girls’ bonds with each other and less on contrived, repetitive man problems. When Carrie and Miranda fought, it affected me more.”

Ok, first off, there was WAY to much screeching in this movie. Onscreen, Charlotte had fewer lines of dialouge than she did “screech” moments. Off screen, in the audience, it was like no one had ever read the internet. You didn’t know Carrie was gonna wear that bird on her head with her Vivienne Westwood wedding gown? You live in New York!!

Secondly, everything regarding Kim Catrall pissed me off in this movie. I hate that they moved her to LA just to have her show up every 20 minutes like, “SURPRISE, AREN’T YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME!!!” I hate that she didn’t get any good sex scenes. I hate that Samantha supposedly gains 15 pounds and her friends were all, “ewwww”, and SHE AGREED WITH THEM! The real Samantha Jones would have gotten huffy and stormed out! Whoever was writing her character just didn’t get it, and Kim was phoning it in the whole movie. I didn’t get ONE GLIMPSE of the self righteous Samantha character that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. And for that matter, I didn’t get much of Miranda’s attitude either (except when she was yelling at Steve, which just made her look like a bitch). All the women in this movie were written weak. I miss those strong bitches I used to know and love.

Mostly, I left the theater feeling really sad for all these ladies. I feel like all of them (minus Charlotte) settled. Add that to the fact that there weren’t nearly enough exterior NYC scenes, and the movie’s funniest part revolved around a POOP JOKE, all in all, while I estimate that I’ll see it about 100 more times before I die, I gotta say that I wish it hadn’t been made. I think this movie ruined everything I love about SATC the TV show, and that was a whole lot
Sorry to be a downer everyone. But hey! Guess what! They’re already in talks for a sequel!

Lucky for the movie’s fans: money continues to speak louder than blog posts.

Potential Terror: T-Minus 18 days until the Sex and The City Movie

I am feeling extremely nervous about the upcomming Sex and The City: THE MOVIE event that is oh so nearly upon us. Let me preface this post with important details:

1) I am a Sex and the City mega-fan. It is my one disgustingly girly indulgence that I refuse to feel bad about (read: unlike the sorority I was once apart of where I, ironically, was forced, while drinking a “mocktini”, to watch the Series Finale in the spirit of “sisterhood”. I felt bad about that all the time). The show’s absense from HBO has left a huge hole in my life inadequately filled by Desperate Housewives, US Weekly, and those terribly edited TBS reruns that do not bring me even an ounce of the joy I felt after watching Samantha get fucked in the ass. The only thing those reruns are good for is spotting NYC locales that, after living 9mos in the city, I can now locate on a map, which makes me feel superior to everyone I know who didn’t move to New York City after college (sorry guys).  I have been peeing in my pants since first I heard there would be a Sextacular Movie event this upcoming summer and I realized, oh my lord, I’M GOIGN TO BE IN THE CITY THAT SEX AND THE CITY IS ABOUT WHEN SEX AND THE CITY THE MOVIE COMES OUT! I WIN!!!

or so i thought.

My fear of the impending doom that may be SATC: The Movie began yesterday when I read this

incase you’re in a hurry, an exerpt:

“NEW YORK – Forget the Empire State Building. Some New York tourists are eager to see the city’s other landmarks: Carrie’s stoop, Charlotte’s gallery and that restaurant where Samantha threw a martini in a boyfriend’s face…

One company is charging visitors $15,000 and up for a luxurious four-day trip based on the show. Participants in the Destination on Location tour, launching the weekend the movie opens, will dine at restaurants frequented by Carrie and her friends, visit their favorite boutiques with personal stylists and even have the option to stop for some Botox injections.”

Oh GOD. If there is one thing this city has in abundance, besides rats, 99cent stores and sex offenders, its middle aged Botoxed cougars with too much free time and too few brain cells.

If even one of these women shows up at the theatre near my office where I already plan on seeing this movie on May 30th, the day it arrives, I am going to take my nalgene full of vodka and dump it all over their Jimmy fuckin Choos. I want my Carrie and Samantha in their fictional New York, not in my real one.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough…I saw this picture of the movies London Premiere last night:

 

Oh. My. God. NO.

Charlotte looks like she’s wearing a bracelet I made at camp circa 1998. Kim Catrall’s dress looks like it lost a fight with a panini press and, really, SJP, REALLY are you wearing that hat? HOW THE FUCK is anyone going to see the movie with that Seussical Whoville plant in their line of vision? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??? 

The big pink elephant of a question this forces me to ask is, ”Have these women reached that too-old-for-this-to-seem-realistic mark?” and while I desperately want to say no…Kim Catrall’s face is forcing me to scream yes.  Cynthia Nixon is really our only hope here. I can’t see her so good from this angle, but I think she looks pretty. Pretty is, atleast, a minor step in the right direction.

SO, I will continue to be nervous until the day I see the movie when my nervousness will turn into either postramatic stress syndrome or something for me to write about in my next column about my sexy, fabulous New York City life. Wait…