I want to live inside the brain of a Pixar executive

I LOVE summer blockbuster movies. LOVE THEM. Give me superheros, big animation, Will Smith and/or Judd Apatow and I SWEAR  I will be there opening night with a big ass diet coke and a middle row seat.

So far this summer I have seen 1 OK movie (The Hulk) 1 I HATED (SATC) and 1 that, despite (or maybe because of) the overwhelming number of Hummus jokes, I sort of actually enjoyed (You Don’t Mess With The Zohan).

TONIGHT: I’m going to see WALL-E!

woo hoo!

God damn, I forget sometimes just how much I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Pixar. Truly, really love them. I want to kiss Nemo and Hug that Toy Story Tom Hanks doll for bringing me so much joy and Randy Newman music.

And apparently this movie is not going to disappoint. So far its getting early Oscar buzz and serious love from the Jew York Times movie critic who, because of first line of THIS review (yes, I am talking about You Don’t Mess With The Zohan twice in this blog post), I consider unequivocally brilliant.

So, I’m pumped. Anyone want to see this movie tonight? If you dont’ come, it’ll probably be just me, the boyfriend, and a billion screaming Brooklynite youth.  Actually, that might be hilarious.

Oh, New York Magazine has this funny article on its VULTURE blog entitled, “Whats the Best Pixar Movie of All Time“. They chose Monsters, Inc. as their top cartoon, but I think I have to disagree. Is there really anything cuter than that fuckin little Nemo with his little baby voice? Who does that voice anyway? LORD its cute. Add the Ellen Degeneres fish, the turtles, and the hilarity of the fish tank crew, and you really have a masterpiece. I love NEMO. Do you agree? I’d like to hear your thoughts. Please weigh in.
Happy weekend to you all!

 

you are FUCKING kidding me!

This BULLSHIT today from bravotv.com/season 4 “THE TOUR”

Click on your City & Date for details

* 6/21 Jericho, NY	8/8 Los Angeles, CA
* 7/1 Boston, MA	8/16 Des Moines, IA
* 7/4 Philadelphia, PA	8/23 Detroit, MI
* 7/9 Pittsburgh, PA	8/27 Madison, WI
7/12 Columbus, OH	9/3 Chicago, IL
7/16 St. Louis, MO	9/4 Chicago, IL
7/19 Denver, CO	9/13 Raleigh, NC
7/26 Phoenix, AZ	9/20 Tampa, FL
7/30 San Diego, CA	9/24 Orlando, FL
8/2 San Francisco, CA	9/27 Atlanta, GA
8/3 San Francisco, CA

 

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!??!?!?

Why is New York City not on that list? Why? How can they do this to me? I am devistated. Truly, crushed like red pepper flakes right now. I’m even thinking twice about spending $32 on this peice of shit that I really wanted 3 minutes ago:

Hmm. Lolz. LOOOOOLLLZZZ…man, that’s funny, gotta admit.

I’m still mad though. Colichio owes me one. Hard.

 

 

Ikea, Youkea, we ALL kea!

hola! Its been such a small amount of time since I blogged earlier this morning: but there’s something pressing on my mind that I must share with you.

All you Brooklynites definetely know (and those of you outside of New York probably couldn’t care less) that the almighty IKEA finally opened it’s huge ass doors in Red Hook yesterday.

I have to admit that before last summer, when I spent what was arugably the worst day of my life (you try spending 9 hours in traffic between DC and New York with your parents in a rented mini van full of IKEA merchandise and the knowledge that you’ll be up all night putting this shit together in your new, empty apartment that your parents don’t approve of only to drive right back to DC the next day and see if doesn’t turn out to be the worst of yours) at not one but TWO IKEAS (in DC and Philly), I really didn’t know too much about IKEA. I’d only stepped in it once before and that was to replace the shitty glassware my landlord stocked our summer apartment with because I broke all of it the first week I lived there. And between those two experiences, I very easily settled into the, “Ikea is the gateway to Hell” mindset.

However, ever since this Red Hook Ikea opened yesterday, I have been OBSESSED with the idea of redoing my apartment in complete Ikea style. I even made this little picture of what my dream could turn into:

 

Isn’t it beautiful?

Ok, its not at all beautiful.

 WHY am I so completely obsessed with this place? I have no answer. Maybe its because their website, www.ikea.com, is so fantastic. Maybe it’s because their furniture, etc. is so unbeleivably inexpensive that it ACTUALLY gives me hope that I may be able to afford a taste of the yuppie life I so desperately yearn for (yes, I have a bit of an inner yuppie inside of me. Sorry, Oberlin), even if it’s really just a simulation.

Or maybe its just because I’ve 99% decided not to move out of my apartment, which means I have some spare cash in my savings account that I am dying to spend unwisely. Whatever it is, you can be I’ll be taking the free shuttle to IKEA this weekend. WHOSE COMIN WITH ME??

The early bird catches the BLOG

Good morning campers, Zip zip zip!

It’s a bit early for my blog this morning, but I have a few things I’d like to discuss and I wanted to get them right out there before printers, copy machines and NPR start to clog my brain with white noise.

1st: Ok, I hate to admit this, but I MISSED the Top Chef reunion special last night. I know, you are all really dissapointed because you wanted to hear my quip on Lisa’s wardrobe and Padma’s blank stare, but you’re just gonna have to wait because I decided to watch the BRILLIANT British comedy, Peep Show (whose website my work computer won’t let me access because of “pornography/nudity”) with the BF instead. I’m sure I’ll be able to catch one of the 134023482 re-airings of the show tonight on BRAVO, so no worries.

2: I had the STRANGEST dream last night! In my dream, Barack Obama’s mother was shot and in the hospital and they chose ME to run for President in his absence…how strange! Even weirder: The Vice President was my friend Jill (hey, Jilly!) who kept calling and calling me to discuss campaign procedure, but I couldn’t answer because I was on my way to my friend Barret’s baby shower in Queens. That’s right: Barret my MALE model friend was pregnant in my dream and apparently having a   baby shower to celebrate. Poor Barret! Poor Barack Obama’s mama! WHAT DOES IT  ALL MEAN? Someone, please interpret in the comments.

Speaking of Obama, you know, I don’t really want to use this blog to get TOO political. Honestly, if you know me, you know where I stand on the political spectrum and you don’t need this blog to prove it. But the other Day I was watching Countdown with Keith Olberman, (who I happen to find totally babely) and I heard a few things about John McCain that really pissed me off and I thought, ” I wonder if my nice Jewish girl-friends (especially those who are unsure about who to vote for come November) know about this shit?” So here I am to let you know what really fucking pisses me off about John McCain.

Ok first,  “John McCain voted TWICE to oppose a Congressional commission to examine the federal, state, and local response to the disaster: once in September 2005 and again in February 2006.”

That’s fucked up! To me that says, “here’s another guy who doesn’t give a SHIT about the American people.” Its just a lot more of the same Republican secrecy bullshit. You have to think, why be so secretive unless you have a bunch of fucked up shit you need to hide? And, what’s worst of all? McCain LIED about the way he voted! Yahoo news says it best:

“McCain’s outright deception today is the latest in a string of misstatements and distortions on key issues that call into question his willingness to mislead the American people, telling them what he thinks they want to hear instead of the truth. Just last week, John McCain falsely claimed that our forces in Iraqhad drawn down to pre-surge levels, then used a defense that was so misleading, one fact checker called it “an insult to our intelligence.” He falsely claimed Iranwas training al-Qaida in Iraq, claimed he could walk peacefully through a Baghdad market despite requiring a massive security escort, and denied he had ever said he didn’t understand the economy — all of which have proven inaccurate”

I know I only keep secrets when I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. Really, we don’t need any more liars in the white house. Really really really really.

Secondly: John McCain firmly beleives, and states on his OWN OFFICIAL WEBSITE, that Roe v. Wade should be overturned.

Ok: I know there are a ton of Pro-Life Conservative women out there who agree with this viewpoint and always will and, while that’s not fine, it’s fine. However, how can a self respecting even semi-Liberal pro-choice women who WOULD HAVE voted for Hilary Clinton really justify switching their vote to John McCain, regardless of their feelings about Barack Obama, when they know that John McCain’s administration is going to take away our right to choose?

Listen, after reading US Weekly’s COMPLETELY vapid fluff piece cover story on Barack and Michelle Obama where the big information was that Michelle shops at Target, loves Haggen Das and is afraid her daughter may be, “tipping the scales,” I understand why people may be weary of Barack. I think he’s probably not QUITE as genuine as he seems, but at least he stands for something positive and he’s not an ancient lying windbag eerily resemblant of another recognizable ego manical chauvinist:

 

Agugugugugugug.

So, thats it. That’s my policitical rant and I promise not to have any more until the election gets much much closer. And because this post was not very funny, here’s a great PEEP SHOW clip for those of you who’ve never indulged. I hope it’ll spawn an all new obsession. Tootles!

Back and Better than Ever!

Hey y’all!

Wowza, I’m eating Hot & Sour soup and it sure is excruciatingly spicy! My lips are on fire like that one time when I dreamt I was kissing Sam Talbot. mmmmmmmm.

But you know, despite my fire mouth, I’ll probably continue to eat Hot & Sour soup every day for lunch until I can no longer stand it because it is DELICIOUS and only $5 for a quart! A QUART! Thats a whole lotta flavor, y’all! Ya, I think I like Hot & Sour soup ALMOST as much as I like my most favorite soup, and, really, dish, actually, in the whole wide world…Thailand’s coconut milk explosion: Tom Kha Gai….mmmm, have you ever had it? No? Still sounds familiar? Ya? Well, that’s probably because FUCKING LISA MADE IT ON THE TOP CHEF FINALE!!!!!!

THATS RIGHT! Somewhere out there is a dirty little Tinkerbell, who I maybe offended when I tried to squash her, and who now HATES me and decided to whisper into Lisa the Evil Badger Beast’s ear, “Why don’t you make Allieinthebox’s most favorite meal in the whole world: Tom Kha Gai. Its delicious, and you’ll definetly kick Richard’s pork bellied-ass with it! C’mon, do it for me! We have the same haircut!”

BLARG!

I can’t beleive that my LEAST favorite cheftestant made my MOST favorite meal in the finale that I was PRAYING she wouldn’t win. When I saw the judges take that first bite, I knew that Lisa actually had a shot at winning last Wednesday. Jesus Christ, can you imagine? I actually had my shoe IN MY HAND ready to throw just in case Lisa won and I had to destory the television.

LUCKILY: as we all now know, Lisa did not win. Lisa is not the world’s first female Top Chef. Nope. That title goes to STEPHANIIIIEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

HURRAY! I am so happy for this lady! SO HAPPY that I’m almost able to forget about poor, poor Richard and his sad little face when he realized he was beat by the Badger Devil. Poor monkey! His $100,000 mistake was definetely the inability to calm his brain coupled with his complete and utter obsession w/ liquid nitrogen ice cream. I mean, Richard, buy some Haggen Das and focus on your meal, son! As much as I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Stephanie, this game was Richard’s to loose…and he seriously lost.

Oh well, its more fun to focus on Stepahnie’s triumph than Richard’s demise. Steph is a great chef and so fun. The question is, what will she do now? There’s no set path for a Top Chef winner, really, and like so many other BRAVO reality contestants before them, there is no real super TOP CHEF-winner story. I mean, have ANY of them ACTUALLY lived up to the title of Top Chef?

Let’s see: there’s Harold, who used his $100k to open a generically tasty restaurant, Perilla, in the West Village. Then there’s Ilan, who fled to LA becuase he couldn’t handle the restaurant competition in New York any longer, and Hung who’s been reduced to gimicky kosher cooking at the hands of SOLO- a New York resaurant known for it’s Mediterranean-Asian fusion cooking. What? 

Looks to me that Stephanie could really take the cake in terms of post-Top-Chef spectacularity. I hope, for her sake, that she can “make it work.” HAHAHAHA!!! And, if she moves to New York and opens a restaurant, I will definetely pay out the ass to eat there. Shit, if she opens a restaurant in Chicago, I’ll pay out the ass to eat there. Congrats Steph, I am mucho happy for you, and I can’t WAIT to see you on the reunion!!! Here’s a small preview:

ACK!!!

Whatever, it’ll still be fun to visit with old friends…and speaking of: STILL no word on the Top Chef Tour and when it’ll be hitting a city near you (or me), but, I did hear about when Top Chef will be in a city near me for good: NEXT SEASON!

That’s right, New York friends, Top Chef Season 5 is coming to NEW YORK CITY!

From NYMAG.com:

“…Top Chef is coming at last to the city where it was plainly meant to be: our own metropolis of New York City…” 

YA FREAKIN HOO! Just THINK of all the stalking. CAN’T HARDLY WAIT.

On a quick ending note:

I get lots of comments from friends and lovers that go like this, “Oh, Allieinthebox, I like your blog, its…cute…but I don’t watch the same shows as you, so, I don’t REALLY get what you’re talking about. Good job though!”

What do I say to you, friends? WHY ON EARTH AREN’T YOU WATCHING THE SAME SHOWS AS ME? I watch the best shows on Television (except, arguably, Battlestar Galactica, but I dont want to fracking get into that right now). Listen readers: TV junkies or not, listen to me, follow me, and I promise PROMISE to show you to the TV promised-land, a place full of Magic Island Monsters, Rich Orange County ladies, Hot TV Doctors and so, so much more.

LOVE!

All apologies

Hi Everybody:

Just checking in to write a big I’M SORRY for completely ignoring this blog all week.

After last week’s raucus 140 hit day, I needed a break. A 4 day break in Washington, DC to be exact. Then, life got a bit hectic and fucked up in Allie-World, so I didn’t much feel like being funny (or even trying).  So, again, I am sorry to have abandonded you, I know how many of you live and die by my opinions…I promise to return as your Spiritual leader/ own personal TV Guide very, very soon.

In fact, here’s a preview of what to expect new week and throughout the summer:

-Top Chef Finale reviews!

-Previews: Top Chef Junior!

-cheap “Harry Potter” Merchandise (buyable via this very blog)!

-Summer movie reviews (Zohan anyone?)

-naked lady pictures!

-goatsie!

and so much more!

Love you,

Allie

short one

Hey dudes.

Well, I didn’t hit my 10 blog post goal for yesterday. But thats ok, becuase I did meet my other goal…

140 people hit up the blog yesterday!! YAYYYYY!!!

Thanks to EVERYONE who reads. You guys are the bomb.gov!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
A

I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY

I COMPLETLY forget to metion the most hilarious moment of last night’s episode, when Lisa, fresh from a win goes, “You guys could have atleast said congratulations to me.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!

Richard and Stephanie’s reactions to Lisa’s whining were pure comedy. They acted just like the kids those beat down kids on “The Paper” whenever Amanda comes around, mumbling under their breath, roling their eyes at one another and acting totally over it. HA! Lisa has absolutely no soul, and won’t be able to hang with Richy and Steph come next Wednesday. Why? Becuase the Top Chef Finale always comes down to HEART -vs-  TECHNIQUE:

Heart:

Technique:

Heart:

Technique:

Heart:

Technique:

Loins:

It’s all up in the air because Stephanie and Richard both have heart AND technique, so it’s really either of their games. Unfortunately for Lisa, she doesn’t have either. mwahahah

The WORST has happened

Well…this is just SHIT.

Last night’s Top Chef was so upsetting that, at approximately 10:56pm when PURE.EVIL triumphed over GOOD, I let out a scream that caused my sleeping roommate to burst from her room and yell, “WHAT HAPPENED!??”

I can’t BELEIVE the outcome of last night’s show, honestly. Even though, on April 10th, on this very blog, I made the prediction that Lisa’s coniving bitchery would get her into the final three with Richard and Stephanie…I still can’t BELEIVE this happened.

And I’m not the only one. I’ve had my ear to the ground (phone/email/gchat) this morning, and I am hearing some angry reactions to last night’s episode from fellow Top Chef fanatics.  Hate to tell you, Padma, but in case you couldn’t tell from the “Top Chef Viewer Poll” in which 91% of the people argued that Lisa should “pack her knives and go,” T.C. fans are NOT HAPPY with your choice. In fact, in case you’re reading, TOM, let me share some of your viewers’ angry opinions with you:

Lisa (different one), Washington, DC:

“I was pissed they didn’t get rid of them both, like, if you get rid of Antonia, get rid of Lisa too. She has no chance.”

Aviva, Brooklyn:

“Seriously she (Antonia) NEVER was in the bottom and freaking Lisa was in the bottom a million times!!”

and finally, Andie, Manhattan (in response to my text which read, “Lisa needs a Tim Gunn makeover, HARD,” says:

“No kidding. And maybe a shower.”

Bad call, judge’s table, bad bad bad bad call.

So, why did this happen?

Personally, I blame Stephanie.

Stephanie had the greatest tool to her advantage when, after winning the quickfire with some DELICIOUS looking fried somethin-or-another, she got to pair each FINAL FOUR Member with a former cheftestant-sous chef. My initial reaction to Stephanie’s choice to give Andrew to Lisa and keep Dale for herself was, “YES, Stephanie just FUCKED Lisa in the ASS!” But now that I think about it…what a bad, bad move.

WHY? Well, we learned from Andrew’s elimination episode that, while absolutely crazy, boy is able to restrain himself. Plus, he doesn’t take cooking lightly. So he would AND DID act like a pro during the challenge, even though he had to listen to Lisa bitch and moan, leading Richard to call her a “dark cloud in the kitchen” which, for me, conjures up this image:

DONT ASK ME WHY!

What Stephanie should have done, had she been THINKING, was give Dale to Lisa. Although It would have been so hard (and fun) to watch and probably wouldn’t have made for the most PEACEFUL cooking environment, it DEFINETLY would have gotten Lisa off the show once and for all. I mean, if we learned ANYTHING, ANYTHING, ANYTHING at all from this season of Top Chef, its that Lisa + Dale = hilarious disaster. I know she’s the “nice” one, but Stephanie really missed the mark on that one. Luckily, despite Dale’s big fuck up, she still got by and is now my ABSOLUTE favorite for the win.

In all reality, between her and Richard (who recently had the cutest baby of all time) the bar is set so high that nothing less than Flubber could have helpd Lisa OR Antonia get to the top anyway(remember flubber?).  So I guess it doesn’t matter. But still…its the principal of the thing!

What I HATE about this show is that they don’t take previous performance into question when deciding who’s gonna stay and who’s gonna go, and I think that’s bad form. Lisa should not have gotten this far…its absurd that she got this far…and it only happened because she did a smidgen better than her worst competition on each challenge over the past 8 weeks. Had the Judge’s taken into account her real inability to make anything winning and good-tasting, she woulda been out of there WEEKS ago, and I wouldn’t have this image in my head anymore.

WOO! So funny, I had to use it twice!

G’day!

 

 

  

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Who is the most botoxed of them all?

 

blech.

 

Today is the day of 10 BLOGS!!!

I am going to try and blog continuously alllll day long, with the most anticipated TOP CHEF blog coming, appropriately, at lunch time.

Hold on to your hats!