Top chef proves, once again, that Texas is the best!

1st things 1st: I want to give a shout out to a dear old friend, Tali J., who may or may not read this blog, and who, it turns out, got to go to the Top Chef Zoo Extravaganza that we saw last week.  You can catch Tali talking about yummy anchovies for a split second during shebang at the Zoo. She claims to be impressed and even does a fun hand motion. YAY TALI! I’m jealous!

Ok: so on to this week.

I dont really have a whole lot to say about it, actually. Im sticking by my guns and predicting a relatively tame 4th season, a season so tame infact, that this weeks Top Chef had me thinking about something completely other than food. My thoughts turned, as they so often do, to real estate.

According to Top Chef judge Ted Allen’s blog, the adorable neighborhood where the “Block Party,” (which I’m sure was planned by PTA moms and dads and not Bravo TV executives)  took place is a Northern Chicago suburb known as Ravenswood Manor.  I’m watching this party in Ravenswood manor and the first thing i’m thinking is: WOW! That’s an awful lot of white people!!

And thats so weird because I was under the impression that Chicago was a pretty ethnically diverse city! I guess Bravo thought that, of all the Polish, Chinese, Italian, German, Puerto Rican and Mexican folks in the greater Chicago area, that little girl in the pink flowered bikini would probably most appreciate Paella.

Whatever, that minor detail aside: Ravenswood manor looks like your normal upper middle class ‘burb, like the one I, myself, grew up in. As I am naturally interested in Real Estate, I did a bit of searching and found this adorable place 

 

4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms: $659,000.

Not bad! Cute house, pretty trees, good deal for a good sized house in a nice neighborhood,

Then, for the sake of curiosity and comparison, i looked for a similar place in Park Slope, Brooklyn, which is about as close to a suburb as you can get in this city. Its che-che, full of babies, mommies, fancy grocery stores, and, of course, WHITE FOLKS!

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is a 4 bedroom/ 3 bathroom house on the outskirts (not even prime real estate) of Park Slope

and it costs…can you guess? ….. TWO FREAKIN MILLION DOLLARS 

Unfortunately, I don’t know if the white van is included in the price.

But can you beleive this shit??  First, I’d just like to say, I know many wonderful people who grew up in Park Slope. I like the area and frequent it. I only mean to comment on the ridiculousness of the New York real estate market, not Slopers. Second, come the fuck on! Aren’t you outraged?

Lastly, here is a house literaly down the street from the one where I great up in Dallas. Its in a diverse neighborhood, has 4bedrooms/ 3 bathrooms and is right near a park, a creek, two important highways:

price: $349,000

Top Chef, as it showed us with last year’s robbed finalist, Casey, once again proves that Texas is the best place on earth.

The. end.

Something exciting!!!!

I have decided, against my better judgement that its about time I apply to be on a game show.

Here’s why: recently I’ve been noticing how much free shit is out there for me to win. Dinners, movies, money…this is an untapped market for me and I could really use some free shit (hello holey-tank top I’m wearing at WORK).

Plus, a few days ago I had this conversation with a dear visiting friend of mine:

Her: Allie, do you ever watch “Don’t Forget The Lyrics?

ME: No. Even I have standards.

Her: You would do so good on that show; you should go on!

Me: hmmmm

And you know what?? I WOULD! While my brain doesn’t retain names of presidents, historical events, or really anything that I learned in college, it does keep song lyrics (and all other equally useless items) unbeleiveably well.  If the show asks, “Can you sing all the lyrics to ‘Semi-Charmed Life,’ by Third Eye Blind,” well, my answer is YES!! 

Seriously, I could win up to $1,000,000 with this shit! Plus, I could meet Wayne Brady!! I’m going to ask him a really offensive question and then say, “Uh oh, is Wayne Brady gonna have to slap a bitch? Ehh? Ehhhh!???” HA!

Anyway, I am mid way through my application. I could really use any and all help filling out this thing.  I am trying to make myself sound as flamboyantly interesting as possible and I need answers to, “Whats the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done,” and “Whats the weirdest thing about you?”.  I also need, “What would your friends say is your worst quality?” but I think I’ll answer that one my self.

I’d really love if anyone has any suggestions as to how to win this game, although I should probably WATCH the show and get some myself.
HURRAY! Wish me luck!

Lets talk a little “Chef”

Top Chef Chicago isn’t thrilling me. I know it takes time to get the flow of the show running smoothly and the episode usually don’t get all that interesting until the number of contestants dwindle…but I dunno, these chefs may be too talented for their own good, or mine.

Example: Last night’s episode. Usually, catering parties spell DISASTER. There is never enough food and it always tastes bad and people always flip out all over each other.

But last night: Not only did everyone get along relatively well (the only inkling of malcontent was Dale blaming [but not blaming] Nikki for her poop mushrooms [to which HE added the peccorini cheese that Tom hated. Dick!]) but, with the exception of the poop-shrooms, Vallerie’s chocolate chip lookin belinis and the water-vom salad from last week’s winner, Stephanie (whose downfall this week I totally called), the food all looked really good! And I bet it tasted good too! Nobody fucked up too bad or made Tom make this face

These chefs are WAY too professional for reality television. Please, somebody bring back unbeleivably untalented yet totally charming Michael from Season Two, or my all-time Top Chef favorite, DAVE, from Season 1.  Better yet, lets bring them both back and have them cook something really gross, like….duck ala tar, and try and make it taste really really good. That’s something I could TiVo!

Also, did anyone notice that every outfit Padma wore last night was the same shade of blue? She looked beautiful, I must say, but I was confused.

Bottom line: these laid back Bay Aryans are not taking this competition seriously. Winning Top chef means money, fame, A SATURN! GET IN THERE AND FIGHT! I gotta say that next week looks promising, potential yelling seems to be on the horizon. Lets all hope for the best.

HAHA!!

I am not a huge fan of ELLEN, nor am I a huge fan of Chris Matthew. But the dancing at the begninning of this video made me laugh outloud…

 

Chris Matthews is literally trying to strangle Ellen to death. Talk about “HARDBALL,” HAHAHAHHAHHA!!!!

Also, incase anyone is wondering: I love my new kitty, McNulty. He is just as wild and reckless as his namesack while also being twice as cute and only a fraction as sexually permissive. Most importantly, I have seen NO mice since he’s been around…MCNULTY FOR PRESIDENT!

McNulty/ Obama ‘08

(not actually McNulty)

Get me out of here!

I have to say:

I try hard not to write about work on here. I don’t want to get in trouble or hurt anyone’s feelings by any momentary negative writing I may do regarding my boss, coworkers, office coffee, etc.

But every now and again: I just can not contain it.

If i have to go to one more meeting to figure out how to make this a “great place to work,” i might gouge my eyes out with my stapler remover.

wanna make this a better place to work? PAY MORE!

the end.

yucky

All I want to be doing today is sitting outisde in 70 degrees of sunshine, wearing a flowy dress, sunglasses and flip flops, drinking beer and smoking a cigarette and listening to music and feeling the wind in my hair. Is that kind of perfection really too much to ask for?

bonus bonus

ever wonder what it would look like if Flavor of Love and Top Chef came together and had a well seasoned demon spawn?

1 part bitches, 2 parts basil and a hint of…coolio?

 enjoy! 

look good, taste good, is good, shaka zulu!

Bonus Blog

A little something extra for today:

I want everyone to know that TV is not my only media addiction. Others include New York Magazine, Ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com and Public radio. That’s right, Public Radio; it so happens that I have an obsession with something other than reality television stars. I listen to about 6 hours of Public Radio each day. I used to be a die hard fan of KERA 90.1, (rest in peace Glenn Mitchell) my hometown NPR station, but now I work in an office and can’t do the online stream, so I’ve switched over to New York’s FM station — WNYC — and dog-gonnit dont enjoy that Brian Leher as much as I’ve enjoyed anything.

Proof that I am the ultimate nerd: I’ve started listening to public radio podcasts on the train on my way to/ from work (I was listening to Michael Chabon’s, “The Yiddish Policemen’s Union”, up until sometime last week when the chapters ran out).  My podcast of choice is, predictably, This American Life.

Yes, I am T.A.L.’s target listener: a young, Liberal-Arts educated, city dwelling liberal. That said: I gotta admit that I don’t always love This American Life. Here’s why: Ira Glass. Ick. I hate his ridiculously over the top academic language (Ill get back to you with an example) and his constant, CONSTANT rambling self deprication.  You see one whiney, feminine, Jew boy, you seen ‘em all (disclaimer: I’m Jewish, I love Jewish boys, I can say that. I’m not offending you).

But, I listen because I like the contributors. And the stories. They are just short enough to keep my full attention. So, as I’ve been working through my ”Life” backlog this week, I started to listen to the 2/15/2008 episode entitled “VALENTINES DAY 2008″.  Their first segment is in the format of a 70 year old man reading a letter he’d written to his wife of 50 years.

You can hear it here.

This man reading his story…it made me cry, literally SOB, on the subway last night, and that is not an easy thing to do.

So while I work, I hope you enjoy (I know atleast some of you [read: IAN] love a good tear-jerker).

CIAO!

I may never do this again

I waited so many hours for Top Chef to begin again, this season in Chicago. I waded through the writer’s strike, 5 1/2 months of Project Runway and last nights episode of Top Model (these girls dont know SHIT about Neck) plus a heaping helping of car wrecks, robberies, and ATV accidents on TruTv’s “Most Daring,” which was the only thing my boyfriend, male friend and I could agree upon in the intervening hour between “Model,” and “Chef.”

That said, when Padma finally showed up, I was a little bit exhausted, and frankly, I still am. But, I had put it in my head that I was going to liveblog the Top Chef season premiere, and so I plunged ahead with…ehhh…mixed results. Here is my off-the-cuff take on the first episode; I hope you enjoy, but don’t expect to see anything like it ever again.

10 -10:15

 

My friend worked at Wichcraft and was fired after 3 weeks. He said the sandwiches weren’t all that good. I’m going into this season with less respect for Collicchio
That chicks name is Zoi? like Soy? or Zoe? Pretentiously named people always bug me, especially on this show. 

 

lots of women on the show this season. No real eye candy as of yet. Besides the pizza.

Bryan or Ryan?

This guy is fucking into himself.

 

Oh no, nothing less cute [to me] then the New Zealand accent. I hope he gets kicked off on this episode so I don’t have to deal with it.

 

Why are all these people from San Francisco?

OMG ANOTER ONE!

 

Andrew…whats happening with the nose…

I am so jealous these chefs are eating pizza and beer.

 

Oh, a lesbian couple! Drama so EARLY into the show! Are these two going to play as a team? Lord I want some deep-dish pepperoni pizza.

 

The chubby girl is too nice for Top Chef. She’s gonna melt down way soon.

 

DOS CAMINOS! I’ve been to that restaurant. Ok, this guy is my new favorite…gotta catch his name next time

 

My friend just said “marmite” is like “vegemite,” looks like New Zeland may be gone soon just as I’d hoped. Phew!

 

Andrew is already complaining: hating him

 

Did Top Chef get new graphics? They look really serious!

 

 

10:17 – 10:28

 

Ok, we’re back

 

Oh Rocco DiSparito! I loved “The Restaurant!” Those waiters were so bitchy.

 

Ok here we go: time for a pizza tasting [I am so jealous and hungry and scarfing crackers right now]

 

-peaches look dlish

 

-eww Zoi’s pizza looks like someone shat on it

 

(Rocco and Padma are totally fucking. I honestly think Padma fucks every guest host. Its the power of the SCAR)

 

-what is that Black leaf on Dale’s pizza?

 

Nimma looks just like whats her name on Top Model, the skinny horrible one with the really bad weave that looks about as Fierce as Tyra’s upper lip (what happened to Tyra’s upper lip? It think someone erased it from her face). FATIMA!

 

Favorite: RYAN

 

Rocco liked the vegemite? Blech

 

Eww I just went from loving to HATING Andrew and it only took 23 minutes

 

Alright, chefs and champaign in chicago! Lets party! who’s a slut and whose an alcoholic? Oh Nimma won’t play. And neither will the Asian guy. Well, they’re no fun. One of them will probably win.

 

Alright, elimination time… WOW! Great challenge Great chalkboard! Great bubble letters!!! Chicago top chef has SO much style, I feel like a real grown up right now. Too bad there is an empty packed of frozen “shredded beef burritos” right in front of me ruining everything.

 

 

10:32 – 10:40

 

Lisa, I think I like her…she seems like someone you could have a cigarette and a beer with.

 

YES, ZOI IS DOING DESSERT! Why don’t Top Chef competitors learn from past seasons??? DESERT IS THE KISS OF DEATH! Desert and Duos, they never go over well. Learn your shit, amateurs!

 

Hmmm, I’m thinking Whole Foods decided to get a piece of the Top Chef pie. Wise decision; those nuts look fantastic.

 

I like Erik. He’s a biker version of PRunway’s Chris Marsh. I want to hug him.

 

10:44 – 10:55

 

Ok, New Zealand vs Chub

Both of them look good…Chubs has a spring roll so I’m voting for her.

Oh, New Zealand is really out of his element. He looks really sad.

POINT: CHUB CHUB!

 

Deusche (Andrew) Vs. Shark (Richard)

-wow this deusche is really animated, blech

-Richard is really refined. He reminds me of Harold from Season 1 but a weird Science version.

POINT: Richard! I actually think he’s my favorite now. I swear I saw him on Iron Chef

 

Jen vs. Nick

-Oh shit, both of these look delicious but Niki’s looks supremely amazing. I’m salivating.

POINT: Niki! She could be the next Giada, but with smaller chompers. (reading this over: i am realizing just how much food network I watch.)

 

Nimma vs. Antonia

I’m not into shrimp, skippin this one. and the next one.

 

Spike vs. Lisa

WOOOO GO LISA, SHE USED CHALLAH! I love her. I want to have Shabbat with her.

POINT: Lisa

 

Ok I’m bored bored….go Manuel, boo Zoi

 

Alright, its all over, I can’t BELIEVE no one has cried yet.

 

 

10:59 – 11:08

 

 

JUDGEMENT TIME, supersized top chef!

 

These people are so nervous

 

What if these are the top 4 in the final? Lets keep track: Stephanie, Antonio, Richard and Nikki. Now forever in my memory/

 

WOW GO CHUBS! I was wrong about her! Strong showing. Gimme one of dem springrolls num num num

 

Alright, bottom 4, here’s the good part:

 

Oh no, I like some of them, poor Erik, he looks so worried, please keep him, please please please Oh he’s making jokes in times trouble…oh keep him please can we keep him??

 

Get rid of Nimma! Go Nimma, go home!

 

Ok, despite the accent, Zealand is growing on me. I think it’s the hair. I love that jew curl. And he seems so innocent. I want to see him get naked.

 

Ryan: looser, he’s talking way too much.

Aaaaaaaand another commercial

 

11:12 – 11:15

 

Nimma, I knew it! Buh-bye!!

 

 

Ok, I admit, not a strong ending. But by that time it was 11:15 and I am used to being half asleep by them. I am pretty much half asleep right now because of this long show. The final point is: looks like a good season. I can see the dramz comming to a rooooolling boil (ha!)

My prediction for winner: Richard.

My prediction to be kicked off next week: Nikki, its always someone who did well the first week

My prediction for the rest of my day: TBD

ciao!

well…

my office just un-blocked the facebook. I am anticipating at least a 5% drop off in my productivity in the upcoming months.

Im bored. and annoyed. There are two exciting things coming up in my life tonight, however:

1) TOP MUTHATRUCKIN CHEF!

2) my roommates and I are getting a CAT!

Why a cat? Well i’ll tell you..

Reason: thy name is MOUSE. We have known a monster critter has been around for while now, but so far he’s been easy to ignore. There was one night, back in December, when I first heard the fucker rustling around, and that was a shock and terror moment. I had to hide in my room until Sarrah came home to do a sweep of the kitchen. Sarrah is Fearless McMouse.

Anyway, since then I’d only heard, not seen, the mouse a few times (when you only hear the mouse you can pretend that its something else like the garbage shifting or people squeeking in the hallway. NEIGHBOR CHILDREN!) it was easy to ignore it and continue to live fearlessly in my house. Then, while cleaning up our gross stove this weekend, I saw my first indication of the furball that I could not ignore:

poop.

And little pieces of chewed up paper behind the recycling…

THEN, this monday, I was relaxing in my room when I thoguht, “I need a snack.” So I went out to the kitchen, and I stood there and stared at the floor for a minute with this horrible hunch that I was going to see the mouse. AND THEN I DID. AND I SCREAMED! AND THEN I SAW A-FUCKING-NOTHER ONE! I saw those stupid fuckers dash across the foot of space between the recycling to the stove. AND I SCREAMEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!

and now i have to do something about them. The mice must die. A work buddy suggested that the rommies and me get a cat and, to me, this is the perfect idea. The mice die and they never fucking come back. Kitty Mouse Killer! Kitty McMouse!

yay!